Those are words you never want to say, hear or think, but it's the truth. And I guess I need to face it. He has a heart condition, and he's basicaly refusing medical treatment, because he's a damn heard head. Not to mention a life long smoker and alcholic, which doesnt help.

His 'girlfriend' Cindy is taking good care of him, and called to tell me that he's going downhill fast, and to prepare myself.

So just how DO you prepare yourself? I wrote him a letter, and told him all over again how much I loved and appriciated all the things he's done for me all my life. All the things Ive always said to him every time I see him. I told him he's never let me down, he's always been there when I needed him, and I could always count on him.

I tried to think 'what would I want to hear from MY kids if I knew *I* was about to die?

all I could think of is that I'd want to know my kids would be ok. I'd want to know my kids would be happy, safe and to know I love them, that they'd remember everything IMPORTANT I'd taught them like dont marry somone mean, or stupid. a diploma is IMPORTANT! Dont drink and drive.. all that shit....

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that it's about to END for my dad and I.
I just can't.

when I was little we lived in the country. Every spring the hill behind us would blom FULL of these purple flowers called johnny jump ups. He'd pay me a nickle for the very first one if I'd bring it to him. Id always wait and wait for it. I'd search for it and when I'd find it, I'd pick it and save it til he got home.
He drove an 18 wheeler, so he was gone all week. He'd come home and i'd have that wilted flower waiting for him and I'd get my damn nickle. I still did that even after my parents got divorced. I'd mail it to him and He'd mail me a nickle back.


know what gets my heart the most?

we never found my brother.