This has GOT to be the most insaine thing that has happened to me to date!
Yes it is worse than the naked people who answer the door, not even TRYING to hide the 'goods' ( both male and female).
More nutty than the peo'ple who scream at me ( yes SCREAM) that "mr occupant does NOT live here!! only the DOE' family does!!!" As I try to explain that THEY are the 'currant occupant that Pizza Hut is trying to send the coupons to....
More wild than the time I was actualy asked if I WORKED for the post office ( while sitting in my red white and blue mail truck with the big blue eagle on it, wearing my red white and blue uniform, putting mail in their mail box......
To begin this story: I walk up to the duplex to deliver a package that has to be signed for. I knock on the door and in a couple seconds it opens and there stand a toddler about 2-3 yrs old. He says:
boy: HIII tum on in!!!
me: HI! where is mommy?
boy: mommy is poopin' tum in lady!!
me: noooo, I need your mommy ok?
I wait a minute, thinking mommy must have heard me knock and is finishing up 'her buisiness' as quickly as she can.
Then the fun starts.
The boy decided he wants to run outside and 'go bye bye' he says..
boy: me go bye bye in you truck!!!
and races out the door, shoves past my legs and takes off for the street. I'm looking into the house for mom, and no luck. so I make a grab for him and miss. I take off after him and this kid is fast. AND I'm carrying this huge box( I dont THINK to just put it down I guess) I nab kid at edge of street by his shirt.
Me: lets go back inside and get mommy ok?
boy: NO WAY NO WAY!!!
ME: YES WAY!! mommy doesnt want you to run into the street, now come on baby, lets go back inside ok?
boy: noooo!! go byeee byeeee!!
and he does the noodle leg, flop like a fish onto the groud trick. I let go of his shirt so I dont strangle him or drop the box and he's off like a shot again for the street. ( this kid is GOOOD). once again Im chasing him and again juggeling this box that I can't freakin SEE over. All the while, half praying mom will get through pooping and come GET HER OFFSPRING and half praying she wont see me dragging him by his stretched out t-shirt up her sidewalk, screaming, and call 911 on me.
Ok so I nab boy wonder again, and I get his hand this time and I say
Me: ok lets go see if mommy is done pooping and I'll give you a mail man bracelet if you go back inside ok?
boy:why?
Me;because I said so
boy:I wana go in your truck.
Me: ok you can go inmy truck if mommy says yes. lets go ask her and put your shoes on. ( I didnt have 5 kids and not learn SOMETHING!!)
boy: OKAY LADY!! I GET SHOES!
he runs to the porch and slips on his flip flops and runs back to me. ( can you imagine me punching myself in the forehead and saying DOH!!)
ME: nope. I SAAIDDD you have to ask mommy
ok by now its been about 49 hours since I first knocked right? Im wondering where in the WORLD mommy is, WHY she hasnt come out, etc.
So I start ringing the doorbell. nada. I consider checking with the neighbors, but what if THEY are pedophiles and I dont know it, and they say "Oh we know him! well take him til his mom comes out! and then I go to hades for puting him in danger... oy.( ok motherly imagination.. but come on now, its a possibility)
I call my station for advice and the LINE IS BUSY!! am I in a horror film and I don't know it???
by now boy is back to jumping up and down ( I have him by the wrist now. I dont trust him as far as I can catch hm) yanking my arm out of the socket, yammering something I can't understand, other than IWANNA blah blah I WANNA blah blah. Im yelling in the open doorway Helloo!! helloo?? maam?? It's your mail lady!! I have a package for you and your son is outside and wont go back in!
I try to put him inside and shut the door and leave and he just opens the door NO PROBLEM. ( what happend to toddlers who cant manage doorknobs??) and he yells at me, all red in the face YOU STOP THAT LADY!!!
me: come on now, just STAY HOME! Tell mommy the mail lady was here. I have to go to work and you have to saty with mommy.
boy: NO WAY I GO IN YOUR TRUCK!!
Me: well you DIDNT ASK YOUR MOMMY so you have to stay ( ok so maybe I wasnt so stink'in smart after all)
boy: MOMMY ISSSS POOOOPIN.( little veins popping out on his sweatty forehead, hands in fists like he's about to go into cardiac arrest)
ME ; WEELLL GOOO GET HERRRR ( I can NOT believe I am arguing with a toddler about his mothers bathroom duties.
I am soooo close to calling the police, but what in the bleep will I TELL THEM??? ( hello officer? I have a kid here who's mom wont stop pooping....)
i KEEP trying to push him into the house and shut the door thinking 'can I run for the truck and drive off, quick enough , before he can make it to the street? and will he just wander back home?" ( like a puppy)
but the mom in me says um noooo thats sooo not safe.
FINALY mom shows up in the hallway and I almost pass out in relief. I say hi mom! I have been here afew min, and your son sure doesnt want to stay inside! I had to get him out of the street a few times while we waited for you! ( g iving her my brightest fake mail chick smile that says 'where the bleep WHERE you and come get this heathen and tell me THANK YOU or SOMETHING)
she doesnt crack a smile, all she says is 'do I gotta sign for that?'
I say yes mam.
she signs, grabs her box, yanks son in the house and slams door.
the end